Category: Dating and Relationships
1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
Raaj.
Lmao! I love this. Now, if only we could really get this message through mens' heads...
haha isn't htis helpful. Really, where'd you get it from
This is all great advice, boys.
Lmao love it! :p
And sounds like things men do all the time!
Very cool.
I love it! Lmaoooo! The joke board would have been just as a suitable place for this, but it's perfect here, too.
Good advice.
lmfaooo! Sea Water With Egg Whites? just, omg! Okay, sorry, I about died when I read that part...Moving on?...It was funny, but great advice!
Very funny. RAAJ... sure made my night very well thanks
Dang, now I know where I went wrong. Thanks a bunch Raaj. Omg! Why didn’t you say anything...? hahahaha
Thanks raaj paaj! hmm maybe i should print that out and share it with some of my male friends. lol if only guys really did things the right way. oh well gotta love them! *smiles*
Ok this is great Yes guys admit it you've all done at least three of that list in the past! Thanks it made me smile on a quiet Friday evening.
Hey funny but very interesting points, thoughthis in compereson with other health and sex books aren't all right. Hmmm, I honestly can't remember I did one of those mistake, first cause I guess I got lucky B. I got myself quite educated before I tempted sex, third and more importantly I always think and use my common sense as I genuenly put the ladies pleasure before mine. Take care all and hope to see more of these funny but cool posts!
Here are my comments, just to show that not all women fit the mould.
1. I like getting down and dirty and then, sometimes, going into after play. The idea of taking it slow is a rare one for me, though it can happen, and when it does, it can be very beautiful and amazing.
2. Blowing in the ear? Weird.
3. I love men who shave. *smile*
4. I could never get the whole breast thing. I let my man have fun with mine but it does nothing for me.
5. The only way I'd ever let a man bite anything is if he could remove his teeth but I haven't met one who could. I've never really experienced 6, 7, 8, 13, 15, 22 (what the fuck, asking if she's cum?), 23 (my man is perfect), 28, 29, 33, 34 (uh, duh?), 35, 38, 39 or 40.
9. I've only had one man not dispose of his condom. We never met again. Yuck!
10. Very true about the clit.
11. Not true for me.
12. Wouldn't bother me.
14. Excellent note on the vagina.
16. Wouldn't bother me. In fact, I'd find it weird if he kept his clothes on if he was horny. I like a man to take them off and show me the prize. I wouldn't care about 17 either.
18. Very true. Few men get it. Mine does. Same with 19. Slow and steady wins the race.
20. I'm a very lucky woman. He always knows what to do in all situations, whether he or I cum first and same with me. Sometimes, 21 can't be helped, but it's all worth it in the end, especially if we're talking oral.
24. I adore oral, so getting me there is never a problem. But I hate it when I'm giving it and my head gets pressed down or held in place.
25. I only like to be warned so I could make sure to get everything in my mouth... *smile*
26. I disagree here. It can be helpful if the man gently thrusts.
27. Must try this but am always too eager to swallow.
31. Disagree. While romance can be interesting and enjoyable, it's certainly not necessary all of the time. Sometimes, a quicky is good for all around.
32. Agreed.
36. That only works in Katharevousa, though I doubt that even Colonel Papadopoulos did that.
37. If he doesn't talk dirty or at least use Greek slang, I'd have to wonder what's wrong with him.
40. What's wrong with thanking your partner if you're truly in a loving relationship? Being appreciated is a good thing!
I think this was really really good advice
Agreed. I think alot of women would be happier if more men followed it, or at least asked what their partners wanted. As I've said, not everything here is true for every woman, but enough is so that asking couldn't hurt.
Wow. I have to know....where did you find this?
Interesting. Lol. Some women actually like having their nipples bitten, but all great. Made me laugh.
haha! love it. but surely most of that is common sense? still i wasn't surprised at all when i saw that you'd posted this raaj lmao
So if this is a definitive list, does that mean its still okay to wipe off on the curtains?
Although even if it isn't, I still do the other 40 things wrong...because I heard once that 40 wrongs make a right.
I lovet all of this
*shocked look*
RAAJ!
And to think that you call yourself an "Indian Innocent" !!!
There is NOTHING innocent about this post!
*/shocked look*
Smile.
Indeed! I'm an innocent.
Raaj.
Right... and I'm tne next Empress of Japan.
ah. fine then. thought you were the queen elisabeth.
Raaj.
No... while I was baptized and raised in the Church of England, my ethnic roots are firmly ensconced in Japan.... mind you, I'm as Japanese as Russell Peters is Indian.
LOL
baptism place will make you richer so.
Raaj.
Hell I am as inicent at Pariss hilton!! :) lol :)
what ever
omg lmao. Good advice.
Ok, so if a guy is really strong, he can be on top if he can hold his own body weight up and not smash his shoulders and chest in the girl's face. A good thing for him to do is to put his hands under her head and use his arm and chest strength to hold his shoulders up and out of her face. Another thing is when the girl is on top, the guy, if he is strong, can hold on to her hips and use his abdominal muscles to move her up and down and whatever, so she isn't doing all the work. She can just move her hips, pretty much. But I don't really know cuz I'm only 4/10 and my man is 6 feet tall and really big and strong. So for normal couples, it may be different. I just thought I'd put that in though.
Lol! This cracked me up!! Though, there's nothing wrong with quickies sometimes..i mean, one has to liven things up sometimes!
Lol..This was great! I hate that slapping sound to it's so annoying and just...not a turn on.
Sorry Dinesh, but you missed one: Guys, you may hate this, but cigarette smoking, sedentary lifestyle, and other controllable life style factors that you don't control that lead to poor circulation may fail your woman. If the blood is slow circulating everywhere else, it may not be making it to your penis either. Include if no other kind of exercise in your day walking, or forgetting the elevator and taking the stairs, and put down those smokes. Not only will you feel better, you'll smell a heck of a lot better too!
Wow! it is really interesting. I prefer man always on top of me.
I have never tried sucking pennis. Would it be interesting to do this? But i don't go for that.
agree with some not with others.
This was both extremely hilarious and amazingly erotic. Brilliant.
Becky